Baby Steps...

Well, it happened.  The dreaded thing every pregnant woman fears and no one wants to talk about.  We lost the babe. 

We went to the doctor the day before thanksgiving excited to hear a heartbeat.  I was hoping for at least one “bean” picture to share during the big dinner, showing off exactly what I’m most thankful for this year!  Turns out I was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant but our babe stopped growing around week 6. 

I don’t know what’s more difficult: knowing I was carrying around our dead baby for 2+ weeks in my belly or feeling all the “could have been” “should have been” “might have been” moments we’d created in our heads and in our hearts and just having to let them die too.  See it’s not just the baby we are grieving, it’s our futures we were dreaming about.  This whole life we’d created in our heads revolving around this little bear.  The lack of sleep we were joking about dreading.  The nine months of sobriety I would constantly complain about.  All the diapers and the breastfeeding and the nursery.  The baby shower and showing off my belly in the cutest maternity clothes I’d already started to shop for.  Holding our baby, the epitome of our love for each other embodied in the single most important person on the planet. 

We are going to Costa Rica in a month and I bought a new bikini specifically to show off my huge boobs and my slowly growing belly.  Now it’s just a bathing suit.  We cleared out the spare room to start making it a nursery for our baby.  Now it’s just an empty room.  I have to keep the door shut because it breaks my heart every time I walk past the emptiness of it. 

Some days I’m ok!  I can go to work and have my routine and don’t focus on the heaviness that such an empty spot can leave in your heart.  But the emotions inside, they are so close to the surface -  it’s like I’m walking on a thin sheet of glass and one wrong word, one sad song, one holiday commercial I didn’t change in time and it starts and I just can’t stop.  All the hurt and anger and sadness just come pouring out of my eyes like a faucet and I physically cannot stop crying like a two year old in a candy store who can’t have all the chocolates. 

It’s been a week since the surgery and I don’t know that it’s any easier today than it was getting up that morning knowing where I was going.  I try and put on a brave face, and most days I can accomplish that.  I had 2 solid days last week where I didn’t lose my shit and I considered that a HUGE win!  And then it hits, like a ton of bricks, and it holds on and squeezes your heart and it’s all you can do to just keep breathing. 

And even though we are already talking about trying again, there’s a part of me that is dreading it.  Getting that positive test will never be the pure unadulterated joy that it was the first time.  Going to the doc to hear the heartbeat will be a day of fear and anxiety instead of a day filled with hope and happiness.  I hear that once you hold your baby in your arms all the heartache we feel now will be worth it.  It will heal. 

But it’s such a huge hole.  I don’t know how someone ever gets over this. 

Trying to stay positive, though!  We have my post-op appointment tomorrow and are going to get a plan together to move forward.  Close this chapter and start a new one.  Try again as soon as I’m healed and healthy and able. 

If there’s anything at all positive that I can take from this, it’s that I know I’ve found the absolute love of my life.  He’s the reason I went through all the (what I thought was) heartache, all the terrible first dates, all the awkward dating and misery and bitterness that goes along with it.  He’s never wavered with his positivity and hope in this whole situation.  He’s put up the most beautiful Christmas tree and decorated our house with the best Christmas lights on the block!  We’ve watched Christmas movies and wrapped presents and are even having a party next weekend.  He’s held me up when my knees gave out, and lifted me up when I was having a not-so-bad day.  And I know that our baby will be the most beautiful baby I’ve ever ever seen.  And I am hopeful for that day.  

I will not lose hope.  

Pregnant!!

Well, it happened!  I’m pregnant!  

I used to be one of those people that said “oh they’re pregnant” but let me tell you what – I am pregnant.  He is not.  He doesn’t have to pee every 20 minutes.  He doesn’t have huge swollen boobs that feel like they’re about to burst.  He’s not passed out snoring on the couch every night by 8 o’clock.  He’s not pregnant, he’s going to be a father and he’s very supportive and excited and wants to go to every appointment, but he’s NOT pregnant… 

Our story:  We met about 2 years ago in February 2014– he’s freshly divorced and taking full advantage of his new found freedom and I’m extremely single.  Like, the I’ve started to resent men kind of single.  Single to the point of accepting my eventual demise into a state of spinsterhood and cat-ladydom.   And then we met and all that went out the window and I knew on our second date he was the one I was going to end up with.  I knowwwww I hate those people who say “well when you know you just know!”  But it really did happen that way!    We met in Feb, I moved in that following July and we’ve been happy ever since.  We even have a dog!  We’re dog people! 

Gross I know. 

So here we are.  We’ve been trying since April of this year to have a baby to no avail.  Which, let’s talk about that for a second – having the “we’re trying” conversation.  I never really mastered the art of having that conversation.  It’s basically a PC way of saying “we’re having a LOT of well-timed sex.”  Was a very awkward conversation to have with my dad, that’s for sure.  Then my mom was diagnosed ( Breast cancer. Stage 3.  I know.) and BAM!  The universe decided “Hey you don’t have enough on your plate, here let’s make you a baby, too!”  I must admit, this is a nice piece of joy brought to us in the midst of some pretty dark days.  But the hormones that come along with it make it difficult to hide my crazy.  I cried at the movie "The Martian."  If you've ever seen it, you know that's completely absurd.  Granted, I'd just had to put my cat down that day (had her for 16 years, the sweet girl)  so that could have been part of the issue.  That and, you know, the cancer (just add it to the list I suppose).  But still!  

So, let’s see.  I’m 7 weeks 2 days today, Tuesday November 17^th 2015.  We found out when we were on a vacation in Colorado and my BD says "let's take our baby on her first vacation."  He really is the sweetest.  Anyway, 7 wks 2 days which means our Lil’ Bear (our nickname.  I hate calling unborn babies ‘it’ because you don’t know the sex.) is the size of a blueberry.  And we are making brain cells like mad this week – to the tune of 100 brain cells a minute!  10 minutes?  A thousand brain cells.  A THOUSAND!  I feel very responsible and important… 

Symptoms?  I mean, I have to pee all the time.  Like, ALL the time.  I’m not showing yet but apparently my uterus is growing constantly and sitting directly on top of my bladder.  Ask me how I know this…  Other than that, nothing really.  I’ve had no morning sickness and no food aversions.  No cravings.  My symptoms basically consist of HUGE boobs (whoa huge) (painful huge) (I-didn’t-know-they’d-get-this-big-this-soon huge), constant urination and exhaustion that hits you like a brick wall around 7p.  So really I just pee all the time and I’m always tired. 

It seems I’ve become a huge boob’d early onset granny.   

Now, I know what you're thinking: it all seems like cake with the pee and the boobs and all.  But believe-you-me there are scary parts, too.  I'm not gonna lie.  This little blueberry has worked her way into the deepest parts of my heart already and every twinge and tweak in my belly, every time I have a gurgle or a cramp in my gut I can't help but think "what if that's how a miscarriage starts out..."  It's all the feels man, they're constant and new and scary and exciting.  I have a daily mantra: TODAY I am pregnant.  TODAY we are healthy. TODAY I am happy.  It helps when I get really scared or down or get to thinking too hard on it.  But days like today, when mom is home resting well and baby isn't giving me weird feels and BD is making me feel super loved... today is a good day.  

Fears: Constipation.  Hemorrhoids.  Fat. 

Positives: NO morning sickness.  Baby doc appt next week.  Weird dreams (Prince was in my dream last night.  Srsly).  

Belly pics to come!  

Egg Hunt

Watched Annie Hall last night. A quirky Woody Allen movie. Pretty good though! I didn't think I'd like the movie as much as I did. Thank you roommate and redbox! Anyway, there was an ending quote that struck a chord with me.

Alvy Singer: After that it got pretty late, and we both had to go, but it was great seeing Annie again. I... I realized what a terrific person she was, and... and how much fun it was just knowing her; and I... I, I thought of that old joke, y'know, the, this... this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doc, uh, my brother's crazy; he thinks he's a chicken." And, uh, the doctor says, "Well, why don't you turn him in?" The guy says, "I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much now how I feel about relationships; y'know, they're totally irrational, and crazy, and absurd, and... but, uh, I guess we keep goin' through it because, uh, most of us... need the eggs.

Sweater Party

I went to a sweater party yesterday.  You know, one of those parties where you wear the tackiest Christmas sweater you can find.  So, first of all the sweaters were AWESOME.  Candice (roommate) had a big bulky black sweater that she got from her mom's closet of all places.  It had Christmas Trees and Santa's all across the front and she took some LED lights and poked them through the sweater so the trees lit up (had a battery pack and all).  Very cool!  I had these red and green earrings with santa's on them, a light up necklace, and a horrendous green sweater vest on.  Nate's (other roommate) was a blue vest with an entire Nativity Scene embroidered on it.  So, first, picture all of us dressed up.

Classic.

We decided to take "family" photo's in front of the Christmas tree before we left.  So Candice cracks a beer, Nate's got Emma (Candice's dog) in his lap with this elf hat on that she HATES and keeps trying to scratch off her head, and I've got Bella (yes, my cat) in my lap who hates being held and keeps trying to claw her way out of my arms.  So she sets the timer to take 10 photo's at a time, and they turned out AWESOME!  

Then we went to the party.

So, when we get there Keal (the party thrower and Nate's old college roommate) was finishing hanging the Christmas lights outside.  So he rounds everyone up and we're all standing outside and, no kidding, we do the drumroll and he plugs in the lights like the Griswolds.  It was awesome. It didn't work at first and he starts kicking stuff and then
checks a plus and they finally come on and someone starts singing "Jooooy to the woooorld."  Ahhaa!!

So he's cooking as everyone's mingling and what not.  He has a ham, a turkey, and everyone else brought sides.  He has the ham and turkey in the oven and decides they're done, so he takes them out to put in the potatoes.  Well, the turkey's not done.  He tries to put it back into the oven but it's in one of those flimsy, disposable silver trays and the juice goes everywhere.  In a gas stove.  Flames were licking the CEILING they were so tall!  But he was so calm and collected, he just grabbed the turkey, slowly put it on the top of the stove, and shut the door so the fire would go out.  FIRE!  3 foot flames!  Took all the hair off his arms and set off every smoke alarm in the house.  It smelled AWFUL!  Funny after it was done, but awful.

So, that happened.  Then he put the sides in to start getting warm.  He has the potatoes and the green bean casserole in there, heating at 350, for about an hour.  Turns out what he THOUGHT was the green bean casserole was actually this girls frosted red velvet cake she brought over.  Oh man.  So all the frosting melted off and the bottom burnt so badly we couldn't get it out.

And now it's time to eat and the green bean casserole is in a metal tin, and cold.  And the cake is edible, but burnt.  And he has no hair on his arms.  And the house is still filled with smoke and now it's freezing because all the doors and windows are open.

It turned out great.  16 people all sitting at a long table passing rolls and scooping potatoes and what not.  Candice starts quoting the Christmas Vacation movie "They want you to say GRAAAAACE!"  "I pledge allegiance, to the flag..."

It was classic. 

Rockstar woes...

I am completely ridiculous today.  Never, ever go out with your night-job-bartender roommate and try to stick to a self-imposed curfew.  2 ex's 3 bars 4 shots and who knows how many beers later I ended up at the G&S Lounge taking more shots at 2am.  Never a good idea.  Ever.  I'm assuming that's what made an egg sandwich at 3am sound amazing.  And it's also was what dulled my senses just enough for me to leave my fingerprint on the handle of a pan I grabbed... 

I didn’t set my alarm last night so I woke up at 8 this morning to my poor roommate knocking on the door – we locked the top lock and he couldn’t get in so he had to sleep in his car.   

So, in short, I’m the totally-hungover-singed-ready-in-5-minutes version of me today.  Last night was a stupidity compounded upon ex's and alcohol. 

Revived

I have a revive vitamin water from the heb and it has a little note on it that made me giggle:

HEY!!! HOW’S IT GOIN? IS THIS TOO LOUD FOR YOU?? OH SORry! there. better? well, let us be the first to say there’s no shame in starting your day well after breakfast… or brunch… or lunch. we’re all been there: last night’s outfit doubled as last night’s pj’s, and finding your cell phone, keys and wallet (with credit card inside!) was a huge relief. On days like these we recommend hydrating with this bottle. It’s got b vitamins and potassium, some of your body’s best friends when it needs them the most. And don’t worry, you didn’t text you-know-who. Well you didn’t text them that. (ok, maybe you did.)

Missing Missy

Missing Missy --> funniest thing I've read in a LONG time!